A few years ago, I developed a group called “Confluence” with the intention to engage residents in the exploration of where mental health and addiction intersect, get messy and turbulent—like the confluence of two rivers—and then separate when folks enter Recovery. It is an exploratory process group which has uncovered many core issues and nuances to this journey.
The group started out sharing the bare roots of their addiction stories—what age, what type of addiction, what issues were they grappling with when choosing drugs/alcohol (or any problematic behavior) felt like the way to go. A common denominator among all stories was that most folks started in adolescence. The majority had only used cannabis (with alcohol as a close second or a mix of the two), and the most pervasive issues they struggled with were “who am I” and “how can I feel better?”
“I wanted to be part of the cool kids and the cool kids got high.” “I took my first sip of alcohol and instantly knew everything would be okay.”
Other issues voiced were: a limited sense of agency (of feeling constrained and wanting more freedom), rebelliousness (a new realization that one’s parents are no longer the authority on everything), feeling lost, feeling curious, feeling bored. Once they engaged in their addiction, many stated that at first things improved, “I felt more comfortable in my own skin, I felt like I belonged, I felt connected to others, I felt more able to express myself, I felt safe, I experienced healing, I felt I had access to a deeper level of understanding.”
At the point of Confluence, though, things tended to change for the worse: “my anxiety increased and was often mixed with paranoia, my use became a way to avoid rather than engage, I stopped feeling like I could figure things out and needed to distract myself from the angst this created, I began to isolate more and increased my using to feel numb.”
Identity, connection, rebellion, agency, etc. are all normal developmental issues for the adolescent mind/body/spirit system. Addiction can delay resolution of conflicts, healthy ego formation and overall growth so that folks entering Recovery are chronologically older than their developmental age—meaning the tasks of adolescence are still hanging around to be addressed. The overall conclusion of the first group I ran was that “acceptance was key” along with a new awareness that these issues still need to be explored but can now be addressed differently. “Recovery helps grow identity.”
The second group took the information garnered from the first and broke it down further. We started exploring what feels “easy” and what feels “hard.” Things that felt easy in addiction were: “connection, escape, quick alteration of my state of being, separation from the world, and feeling like I’d found the answer to all my problems.” The group agreed that choices were more limited here but that for a time it felt good not to be overwhelmed by options. The hardest thing was to notice when it was all spiraling downward into that turbulent mess.
In Recovery, the group concluded that the easiest thing was “not using.” It was deemed easy because at the Ranch they were all removed from the environment that had been promoting dysfunction, and access to substances was shut down. Some felt this imparted a sense of “safety and freedom” as well as the ability to “disconnect from outside stressors.” In addition, the group appreciated “the basic routines and structure the program provides, as well as a sense of purpose” connected to the community as a whole. Overall, they felt Recovery “provides space in which to challenge the narrative, find new rhythms and begin to heal.”
So, what’s hard in Recovery? “Self-understanding, acceptance, showing up, asking for help, increasing self-awareness, finding the larger meaning, following through and choosing sobriety consciously and consistently each day.” They acknowledged that while substances (or past behaviors) no longer ruled their choices, there was still the loss of autonomy that comes from being in a program and that sometimes can feel constraining. To this they added the challenges of learning to rebuild trust with themselves and learning the difference between power and empowerment.
In a recent group we focused on identity as a core theme, breaking this into three categories: issues present before the point of Confluence, issues within that point, and factors involved in growing our Recovery identity. Then we summarized each category as far as mindset, existential piece and power dynamic. The results were:
BEFORE THE POINT OF CONFLUENCE:
- I felt “lesser than.”
- I felt unlovable.
- I had low self-worth.
- I wanted social acceptance.
- I wanted more connected relationships.
- I felt safe.
- I felt unsafe.
- I was curious about “what else is out there.”
- I was comfortable with my life plan.
- I was uncomfortable with my life plan.
- I had no real life plan.
- I felt rebellious, rejecting authority and wanting to figure it all out on my own.
- Mindset: still forming
- Existential piece: I need to find meaning and purpose.
- Power dynamic: I feel powerless.
AT THE POINT OF CONFLUENCE:
- I accept my unhealthy state and deny that it is unhealthy.
- Discomfort is buffered by the altered state.
- I mistake this state for my true self.
- I engage in constant relief-seeking.
- I isolate.
- It’s easier to hide/lose my actual true self.
- I am more dishonest.
- I become more selfish, self-absorbed (My needs are more important).
- I don’t keep commitments, I’m unreliable, neglectful.
- I feel rebellious and righteous about my unhealthy state/habits.
- I don’t have to work hard to change my state, things feel easy.
- I fear I opened up doors to different/possibly unhealthy energies.
- It’s mostly exciting.
- I have more social capital.
- Relationships can be tumultuous.
- Intolerance increases.
- Choices are limited.
- Scarcity mindset: I never have/can’t get enough, I’m going to run out, I am constantly seeking more.
- Existential piece: I’ve found my meaning and purpose, nothing else matters.
- Power dynamic: I feel powerful.
RECOVERY IDENTITY
- New horizons/new territory
- I feel courageous.
- I feel excitement.
- I am less prideful, more humble.
- I’m on the road to redemption.
- Doors are opening into healthy energies.
- I have control.
- My choices have more range and scope.
- My brain is slowly bouncing back to being an ally.
- Tolerance increases.
- I am not afraid to expend effort on myself in healthy ways, even if it feels hard.
- Growth mindset: I see many paths and possibilities.
- Existential piece: This is the new normal, imbued with inherent meaning and purpose. It is also the threshold to finding meaning and purpose down many avenues.
- Power dynamic: Empowerment
Folks that come to this group have varying capacities for insight and self-examination. The ones more capable tend to drive the exploration, but I have found that for everyone that contributes, another who simply listens still comes away with new fuel for thought. I had someone in the latter category sit quietly while the rest of the group developed the above list and at the end say, “I think my 20 years of smoking weed has prevented me from really finding out who I am.” Recovery creates the space for a shift in perspective like that to arise. At the Ranch we want to help nurture identity through the program and the community so that a resident leaves here with a new sense of who they are—and the tools (combined with a foundation of experiences and practice)—to keep growing it forward.
